If Only

 We went to Fr.B's mom wake last Saturday March 20, it was also the interment day.It was located at the Manila Memorial Park Paranaque at Funeraria Paz chapels. It was one of the appointments we've been that day. Fr. Bubot, I can say is Huny's best best friend. He really tell everything at him. [so huny is a kiss and tell type lol but it's ok he's a priest he can keep secrets hehehe] Everything happens to his life[his sins], our life together[our sins^_^], his family and almost all. It was  not a happy occasion we have had attended but seems every one in Fr. Bubot's family were happy to see Felix[or maybe to all interns as well].His siblings and friends. Fr. B mentioned that Hun is part of their family and really treated as one of them. The closeness and the treatment they showed to him was really flattering to see. They wanted to Huny and I[sabit lang talaga ko dahil kasama niya ko haha] stayed for long until the last mass before the interment at three in the afternoon but we can not due to Yek's graduation at four pm. We attended the mass held by Fr. Aldrin. It was a different feeling how I am so touched with the mass and stories about Nanay[ Fr. B's mom]. I never met her and by that time I told to myself that I wish I did. If only I'd say yes to Fr's invitation to accompany Huny every time he was invited to their house. I am not easily touched by those kind of moments especially if I did not personally knew the person. But I really don't know why I feel different. I took time to read  the big tarpaulin displayed at the chapel about Nanay's wonderful journey, words of wisdom and unforgettable days with her children. If only I could enumerate what I have read and stories have been shared to me about Nanay, you can also say if only you can meet her. Good bye Nanay as what Fr. Aldrin mentioned you've had or made your life meaningful for your family and people around you. You were one of a kind inspiration. There will be a chance to meet you in a better place. My prayers are with you.

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Happy Birthday Papa

Haix.. There are times n ganito..feeling upset..feeling missing someone..Which is actually true naman.. It's been 13 long years since the last time you were with us. Though ganun katagal every inch of that moment I still can recall pa. Every moment with you still as fresh as yesterday.Every start of the year, here's the feeling usually bugs me again and again. I miss him a lot. How I wish he have more time. Kahit konti lang ang naidagdag sana,it was a very big thanks. Inaatake n naman ako ng inggit. Envy for the others who was with their father..Envy for the moments they have shared together as a family, as a complete family. Nakakatawang isipin for the people around me knew how I look positively not having a father for years,it is my defense mechanism making it look everything was fine. Ayoko kasi malungkot. And also the last words Papa told me,"wag kang iiyak pag umalis ako kasi mgkikita naman tayo"(shocks remembering the old days make me sob in tears)..Haixx dami ko gustong isulat but I might as well not to continue..nakakabasa ng palad..:p..hanggang ngayon bakit nakakaiyak p rin?..If only you were here. If only you stayed a little longer..If only...Daming if only..Wala naman akong sinisisi and I can also say naiintindihan q naman ang mga nangyayari, yung mga nangyari.. May mga times lang talaga na may mga ganung tanong.. We are trying to overcome emptiness to take for granted yung mga nakakalungkot na moments. Not only me, pag npagkkwentuha ganito din pala feeling nila kuya..nakakatuwa n nakakalungkot..Haixx life. We always look at it in a positive way, kahit minsan mahirap maging masaya kapag emo ka...Laging iisipin n lang na salamat sa kung anong meron at sa ngayon.. Anyway it's your birthday Papa.. Happy birthday..Spending 11 years(di pa lagi yun kasi nasa abroad ka)with you enough to always remember each and every details of it.. I understand that upon you leaving us also thought a lot in bearing experiences with you, puts me and kuya in that situation at a very young age. Every inch of it which now the three of us uses on our everyday life.. Soon we will going to meet again. I miss you so much.We misses you so much..

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story behind my silent deppression

March 29, 2008
Story Before my Graduation Day..

look at you dull headed Sharlette Romero

compare to me? huh! you are dreaming dear!!

I am born tough, kahit di ko na kaya, kelangan kaya pa rin... i hate awa..badly hate that thought.. i am in deeply hurt for all the trials had given.. i am different person.. i am unique.. after feeling that my life was really a grand here comes another revelation that really hurt me bad and fill my heart of anger... he actually let me believe that it was just a bitch chat mate, call mate.. never held her hand, never been together solely, but as i courted the bitch Sharlette Romero as Jasper Loem, she told me everything they (My hubby and the Bitch) had done.. now i know what was the "good things we have done"she's pertaining to into her flirty mails on my hubby... really got into trouble knowing that.. the moment we try to fix our problem the bitch Sharlette did on us i told huny that i will forget what had happen forgive him just tell me everything about it.. he really didn't tell any knowing that it's possible that i may know all of that shit because Sharlette is falling to Jasper(me).. well Sharlette really don't have brain.. sya mismo naglaglag ng sarili nia directly sa akin.. poor parents, they were upbringing a moron bitch.. lack of common sense and right feeling and attitude as well puro arte and gimik ang alam...also got the information that she was a professional cheater.. she really a terrible frustrated.. i understand cause she's not pretty, she had a good height but not a good posture,, a supposed to be nice skin but unmanageable and she wasn't even a fashionista..she's a certified fashion victim.. she's a dull headed bitch... compare urself dear..a terribly frustrated to have a boyfriend..don't ever imagine that you will gonna be loved by my huny... i set a date with the bitch as Jasper to meet her and confront her and also huny wanted to tell her how she was that flirt..in front of me.. never told huny to say this or that but say the truth on her face.. meeting her is grand feeling.. devilish on me..here's exactly what he told:

• Hubby: hindi ko alam bakit andali mong maniwala
• Hubby: maxado ka kasing malandi, kahit sino papatulan ka madali ka kasing makuha
• Hubby: hindi ikaw ang tipo ng babaeng mamahalin ko
• Hubby: asawa ko lang ang mamahalin ko, nagpatukso ko sayo dahil nga ang dali mong pasakayin
• Hubby: pasensya kn kung pinaglaruan lang kita
• Hubby: ikaw pa humahabol saken..
• Sharlette Romero: Sorry po..
• Me: Malandi k kasi
• Me: bilang Jasper naramdaman ko na malandi ka talaga.
• Me: naiintindihan ko na asawa ko kung bakit napilitan sya na patulan ka..
• Sharlette: Sorry po..

.. i know i am mean but not that mean.. i was just hurt and wanted to get even,, aside from it i believe in Karma.. Wait for your turn, and hopefully makayanan mo not being one of the patients at Pavilion 35 of National Center for Mental Heath..
I am the most evil lady you've ever met, i maybe dying soon but never gonna forgive and forget what you have caused on me..i cursed you Sharlette Romero..

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i am tough i know i can

all these time though had a lot of probs, i try my best as much as possible to enjoy life still.. problems can't make me ruined my everything..still i can enjoy..unlike before facing or forgetting problems means drinking liquor, not now,not at all...during tough times i miss my guys, the drinks, the laughs the comforts.. but i know its different now, although they were still there and willing to accompany me, it wasn't a fine thoughts for me..i am so much thankful to all my peeps willingly offered their company to be with me in times of my sadness and trials..as you've always known, kha is kha..joyful, tough and a warrior..hehehe.. don't worry too much i can handle.. its a matter of acceptance to end it all then..the intervention?..hmmm let it be..wanna enjoy first!...how i missed in playing at inflatable giant balloons!..i really love it so much but unfortunately most of the inflatable balloons were only for kids..(i know i am now an adult but i still have the child in me)lol..thanks so much to "ate" the one who was in charge in it..she let us play and enjoy at the Adrenalin Rush at Mall of Asia!..

• 

see..never shows, i was in deep depression..hehehe

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tired of jumping around..pose(lol) for a break..*wink*

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trying my verzio cam..

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ever fave kero keropi now we've finally met hihihi

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There are Really Born Bitches on Earth

I've been a lazy blogger cause i am really sick!.. recently lots of conflicts crushing our relationship into the ground ..it wasn't yet fix at all but we were trying to do so..huny admits his mistakes and making up for all, but still i don't know why but i am not over it.. my hubby cheats!..he cheated on me..he wanted to justify that it wasn't really a cheat for giving me a reason that his realization comes beforehand that he can do to really cheat on me..before anything get worst he stopped and leave it as if it did not happened..but unfortunately i was a good researcher..accidentally i saw the mails and the accounts..it is way back 3 months ago, tho mails shows how he quits and only the girl keep on insisting to have a relationship with him..pursuing herself..the girl knew he was committed yet keep insisting.. what a shame on a nursing student of Manila Doctors to act that way..Be a mistress of a married man, offering herself willingly..to think that she was that young..a 19 year old bitch!..as huny have known that i found it out he keep explaining that he never continues..that if only i read the girls mail..but then for me he still cheats.. i don't know how to work it out now that i don't have enough trust on him.. but he asks for a second and last chance, I'm willing to give besides i have to think of how many struggles we've been through and i know this is just another obstacles in a couples life..
another conflicts that made it more serious and a hilarious fight.. a photo with another different bitch!..I'm not that malicious to photos but this time its different.. the girl had her score on me proving that she was flirting with my guy..huny was born super gentleman to females on earth..also not a malicious person in all of his acts and he also telling me everything everyday regarding how the girl her workmate behaves..he look it as a type of person that her workmate is what she was used to be to everybody and nothing more..but i never see it on the same way he saw..she was a certified flirt..she's a single mom, with a boyfriend(not the father of her son) now and a girlfriend too(a lesbian).. i will never ever going to trust her.. she keep on reigning her pride by saying that i am jealous at her..hmpf! ambisyosa! i have a lot more than her , then why should i?.. i approached her telling my thoughts about the pix but she reacts violently, and he also ask for his bf's support on pestering me.. she and her dumb boyfriend can't understand anything on what i am saying.. they act like bystanders.. un-etiquette and no values.. mind to all those who read this i found the picture on the page of the bitch, huny told neither he knew nor informed that her workmate was going to upload it..and upon seeing the picture the bitch hold the camera shutter... now then whose flirting?.. it wouldn't be that a big deal if only before she acts she respects people or be mindful to what others might say or think.. if she and her guy are that dumb then i can do nothing about it..poor people not blessed with brains..

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sometimes, shit happens..!

sometimes in a relationship, there came a point were you wanna release the rope that you're holding for so long.. not because that you wanna let go, its because of the pain that you are feeling while holding.. because of so much love and happiness that only he can bring, i always see myself running back where my heart belongs. love isn't enough to make the relationship work, there should be undertsanding, trust and love.

pag wala ang isa, it would'nt work out. there is no perfect relationship, and none of us is perfect. but we can improve ourselves, adjust to be a good couple, a better partner. dapat dalawa ang kikilos, hindi ang isa lang. i dont believe na nakasalalay sa babae yung isang relationship, coz i do believe that both of us will goin to work things out. kaya nga partners eh, kasi dalawa kame, tag-half kame, para maging whole. kasi hindi ibig sabihin na nag bf tayo or gf eh dapat nakasalalay na buong buhay natin sakanya, we have our own lives, our own dreams. jealousy has no room in a relationship, although hindi natin maiiwasan yun, we should trust our partners.. dont give up easily, sometimes mahirap maghanap ng taong dun mo mafi-feel yung overflowing love and happines sakanya. sabi nga dun sa forwarded quote sa text.. "no matter how fed up you are in a relationship, wag kagad makipag break"... but what if.. it's goin nowhere??? and all you did is not appreciated, that your losing yourself na.. na wala ka ng freedom? hanggang kailan♥......

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a rope of sigh..

nakakapagod din..
nakakatakot n mawala..
mahirap pala mag isip..
maghintay...
kelan kaya?..
panu na lang?...
haixxx....
whatever it takes..
it's all up to You then..

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i feel the same

"hindi nio nmn alam lahat
pero kung mkapagsalita kau akala nio my alam talaga kau!
wlang nakakaalam ng totoong nararamdaman q
ok lang aq sa nakikita nio
un ang akala nio
kea kahit kelan d nio q maiintindihan!
kahit cno!lahat kau!lahat kau!"
words that hit me!..i don't know why but it really hits!..whoever said this phrases, i agree with you..its hard to be alone!..I've talk with my old frend, She says no matter how many people surrounds her the feeling of emptiness and loneliness she always wear! not only pertaining to her lovelife but the whole life she's within!i pity her!..i must not but i can't help!..i'm proud she's still surviving..and still continuing the life journey!
empty and alone..

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prolonged the agony?...

Often times our professor says "why it had to prolonged the agony of something if you yourself know the outcome"..she says it when she was pursuing her students for something..dah..a professor need to pursue her students?!..such an attitude..in some institutions, if a professor decides students can say nothing but to follow then, unless a certain student wants a failing grade or a dropping form sent home.. same person told me so..as i open up reasons that bother me and and also reasons why i haven't shown for a week..she told me why to prolonged my agony wherein i can do an action as of now..while i can prevent and at the same time achieve what i wanted to have..why can it be now?..why can it be this time?... one to her lots of question...question that made me feel i'm on a hot seat not in a counseling one..i want to feel regrets of letting her know, but somehow she had helped in some ways..but not a totally help..she just adds my confusions...(sigh)..i'm totally depressed and really confused..but i know it didn't shows..my worries only affects not anybody but only me..though that's what i wanted to happen..affects no one when it comes to my worries..waaaah such a big big big probz...

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bursting out for good and for peace!..

too much stress for the past week..uber ang conflicts at issues between me and huny..so far we did made to succeed out of it..it is really a good conversation that fix it all..glad i've made it to tell huny everything that stressed me..everything he forgots that hurts me.. everything he shud've known earlier before and everything he does that unintentionally hurts me..conflicts between us were not that easy but we knew we can fix it together, hand in hand.. but unfortunately there were people who was born to ruined somebody's happy life even if u were not doing anything against him or them!..he's envy..envy for the fact he hisself sees.. envy that were on the ryt path and he wasn't the same..because we think and planned..and we always wear our brains with our hearts!..envy for everything..and all he can do is to ruined our life to be close to his sitch.. though he was a close rather said a bestfriend, he doesn't have any business within our relationship!.he doesn't knew even a thing about us..he has no rigths to give a bullshit advice pertaining to one person he didn't knew at all!especially if the matter was sensitive and not needing anybody to realize aside from the two components of the rel..he's a shit!..he's pathetic..at first i felt mad to him but eventualy i got pity on him..I PITY U "DUDE"!cause he doesn't have anything ryt now..maybe a so called true love yes!but how far love will provide u pipol?..can it be true love with disposition?(like us?)..love with a way to success?(we love and do hoping together)..love with direction?(we wanted an accepted life)..is it enough to always hide?u can't even brougth u'r small family at u'r home..u can't even said to the world that he is ur son and she is u'r woman,can't even marry..u can't even walk without hesitations..u were down but stil don't admit the reality..that's why u did such stuff!...he did to be like him..miserable..i am sorry for those who were with you..they were better if your off..lol..with a highest intensity wearing of most boastful attitude in the whole wild world doing such a disgrace made him more pittyfull.. huny and i don't want to call quit to us and forgot everything we have been through juz because of that shit that's why we decided to solve it in one arrangement.. FORGET THAT CERTAIN SHIT BROUGTH MISERY TO OUR RELATIONSHIP NEGLECT WHAT THE HELL HE DID/SAY...start a new one without them..neglecting him not means i'm a coward he might be "correct" as his words but not to hurt him though he did hurt me..elliminate conflicts and don't discuss it..forgetting them is enough for his payment on me(it is also hard to forget the only people knew u well,the real u for 6 years,but that SHIT leaving me no choice,besides my relationshop with her remains till last and we know it is mutual..we were not friends nor bestfiends but we we're called to be soulmate.. and not seeing each other even a talk does not means forgetting..it's just accepting that we were trapped in a life we chose and we had to contuinue no matter what cause somehow we are both happy.)..i know how much they value their(huny and the shit)9 consecutive years of friendship to a 2 year smooth,loving and faithfull relationship and am thankful that huny can do it!for us!for good! as long as we were together..so that means if we will last forever, then he and she we're erased to our biography details!(i love you little baby i used to took care,someday it will be ok besides u were different from him!)

..huny promised and so do i!..this is for good and for peace....

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angels

thank you for coming into our lives..hope to be with you or rather have one of you soon cute angels..

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i'm all messed up

last june 11 super happy kame ni honey...We've planned everything and thought it was all settled .. until confusion came along ..We have to think and plan more about the matter , but the fact bout it really made us both excited and of coarse happy ... as time goes along, people around us knew our feeling of excitement about , and proud became more intense.. later that before a typhoon frank made a disaster in the country, i felt sick, quite depressed and afraid ... Afraid of the hopes would result into false one..because of the signs and symptoms i am experiencing, i was really depressed. then time for the truth and confirmation for what i am panicking bout..a really a sad thing..false hopes are now for real ..the excitement vanish and change into deep sadness ..i realize i was spreading a false/ fake /untrue event of my life..But how can it be?? i had an evidence and two of my peeps saw it!..my questioned answered this way.."there was a conception happened but the participants were weak and didn't able to make any progression so it had to break down resulted to what was your questioned of..good thing on it you don't have to undergo such dx to be fine..your gradually fine and capable of hoping for the next better time...fatigue may also be a factor but ourself knew bout the lifespan and the life cycle" .. really the feeling of the world duped o n your shoulder literally we felt, but i knew we had to continue ..move on.. look at the positive way around ..we talk..decided and think and act as it didn't occur..now were moving on..dat'z life cope up and manage stress carefully...tho i know as i act now, i know i wasn't moving on yet or i juz don't want anybody see me like this..feel my sadness and notice I'm incomplete..i know i can came back easily not a couple of time but juz time..i'll be back to what i used and others used to knew me..

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happy-not?...

im a hapi but i am not?...hmm confusing ayt?..there were sitch that i shud be happy but the other way around i am not.. what shud i do..how will i gain a one good feeling regarding to the "confusing" matter?..haixx..hardz nman netech!..so thankful p din jan p rin c honey..haixx...waaaa anu na..bkit b d q din ma ipost/maisulat ung dapat?..natatakot b q?but i want to be proud din at the same time!hala dumadami na ung nakakalito..taeng life nmn uh!..T_T

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don't i deserve??

so sad..sad.. sad..sad..(sigh)...the guy has all the gutts to ignore..fuck! really fuck!.. just waiting for some cue..but wtf the guy wears all the drama..lakas ng loob!.. pucha!..eversince the man never said what just wanted to be heard.. the guy do expresses but never been said... a simple sorry with sincerity.. a feeling of really sorry... the most insensitive one..nice!..also not a thoughtful one didn't make any way to make up..not even thought if that someone already ate late at night? w.t.hell!..this guy may thought that the other half was the toughest among, that also a guy and do feel like a guys!..sheet!does they really knew each other?...now its a mess.. wondrin'..really wondrin' accompanied by confusion!.. shit! shit! shit!

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this is for you

u know how much i love you..auq ng ganito..ung nararamdaman qng iinis at sama ng loob m sken sa mga nagagawa mong ksalanan na ayon sau "hindi m n nmn alam"..kelan k mag iisip bago kumilos?..kelan m q iisipin habang nag iisip k din para sa iba..naghihintay aq, nagppacnxa dahil mahal kita..auq mwala ang lahat,,pero hanggang kailan kita hihintayin at pagpapacnxahan.. para sau mga simpleng bagy b to?..simple na pinpalaki q b?.. sna maramdaman m din ung nararamdman q para d m masabing cmple n mga bagay lang..para hindi m msabi na "para un lang".. nbbypass m nko..ego,pride pagkatao.. pero balewala lang sau..sana maggrow nmn tau maggrow k nmn..hindi k ngkukulang sken, bnbgay materyal n pangangailangan q..sna matandaan m mas kelangan kita ung pagmamahal m, pagiging considerate sincerity at malawak n pang unawa/pang intindi.. sana maauz nten to..kasi talagang nasasaktan nko.. paulit ulit n lang..kinakalimutan m akala m auz na..hindi aq magtatanim kung isang beses lang..tao lang marunong magtanda... honey pls..

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i'm full

i'm all fed up..napipikon n talaga q..bkit b pag my hassle sunud-sunod..bakit kelangang strike 2!.. un ang mahirap pag maxado ng maraming investment sau kahit gusto m mgalit mahihiya kang magalit xempre nga nmn masasabhan k ng para un lang at maxadong ng-iinarte or worst pinapalaki pa isyu..anu magagawa q eh pikon nko!.. auq matali sa utang n loob kaya nga pinagsisilbihan ei para man lang mkabawi ng paunti-unti... yan na nmn ang putang inang di cnsadya!..aup na dahilan nakakapuno talaga!.. wala magpapaka insensitive lang un.. lagi nmn ganun..lagi hindi naiintindihan at laging hindi alam..wat if i try to quit?..ngayon na mukhang there's something hmmm.. y not?..mukhang everything is going into worst nmn(pertaining to my own life ha..)kung samen man d p nmn ganun kworst..kaya pang ideny.. kaya pang magpretend na there's nothing wrong..astig nuh..nalulungkot nmn aq soobra..anu ba tamang gawin..keep in silence.. o ipaalam n na i'm feeling this na.. i rily don't know what to do..all i know is now i'm hurting.. i really am.. do i play a maryr type n b?..ihad this feeling na somehow auq malaman nia.. dhil eventually makakalimutan or maauz din..(sana) wat if this crap continues?.. can i? can i still hide for this.. nararamdaman q na nalulungkot n ko.. sa tambak na atraso .. sa iisang ofenz.. sa paulit ulit na sitch na sasagutin k lang ng pesteng "hindi q nmn alam"... matutuwa kb nun?..hayy it's true that life sucks!..an i feel the shit!..auq maging mean n! pero auq din maging bum nman for good!..

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is it me?or the sitch otherwise.....

hindi q alam kung panu explain..pero auq din ng issue..gusto q lang mgblog para kahit papano maibsan or bka mkahelp mareleive..napapancn q lang, pag mahal m b talaga kelangan m mgsakripisyo..khit cmple lang pero kelangan b talaga o mas tamang salita eh kelangan m umintindi..kelangan m magsumiksik para mameet ung needs nio xempre..ganun din nmn mangyayari sa kabilang side..pero panu kapag as in libre n..dhil nga sa almost kau n lagi mgksama kakasiksik m sa skedyul nia nag nangyayari "LAGI" n nmn tau magkaxama..spare sometime to the others nmn..tama nga nmn di ba nakakasuffocate nmn ata kung lagi kaming 2 n lng..so the best out of it..magkasya k sa alloted time n para sau at ung libre the best u can do is wag n umasa..un lang..cmple na di kumplikado..d kp masasaktan..pero sa totoong sitch sa oras na to..naiiyak aq sa reyalisayon..wla q magagawaganun tlaga..u don't want to loose the person..SACRIFICE..

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damned!bum

it's a dull feeling if somebody whom u used to lean unintentionally leave u behind..that she/he did what just she/he think was right and nice for others but turned negatively towards u...the fact that situation has good intentions but the outcome did not as expected...so what to do then. the one felt dull had to make it up so for the things, acts etc. have been done..it's not just only pride but also an attitude!.leave something for someone .. the least the person could have is his/herself when everything was ruined..be composed and independent.. leaning onto others will not help a person to grow, avoid being dependent so that no one will follow as well..be a model with the constituents....otherwise be independent so u should be the one to be leaned with and can stand loud and proud... culture affects a lot..hate to say but it was a real bullshit! ,,l,,

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i miss you honey....T_T

how i miss my honey..ilang days na kami mgkalayo..nakakalungkot talaga..i miss cooking for my honey..waiting for him to arrive home..miss hugging him and kissing him..miss q na xa asarin..miss q na maglambing..how i want to have such alibi para makapunta sa kanya..i want to stay with him..c honey na di ngpprepare ng meal nia pag walang ksabay kumain..shocks honey i miss u sooo much..tagal namn ng saturday..(sigh)

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panu ba?

why do i feel this?bkit parang my unusual?sino b my kulang?sino b m problema?panu na lang?do i have to decide nb?anu n lang mangyayari?hanggang d2 n lang.ay bakit kasi laging ganun n lang.kelangan cguro muna mgrefresh..haixxx??..(confused)

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